I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
