And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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