SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
