I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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