I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
