i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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