Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want her autograph on my taint
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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