I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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