WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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