i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
