in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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