Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
