One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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