So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
