Where did you get a picture of my penis
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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