bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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