I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You smell like stripper and shame
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
