Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
