Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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