this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
