low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
