It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
