Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
