Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
