I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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