I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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