ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
