I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
