On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
