dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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