I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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