Don't make out with my wife yet
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
