Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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