Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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