it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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