i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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