Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
