You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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