quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
