I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Someone shit on the floor
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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