I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
