Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize