Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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