if i can run in heels then i can drive
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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