dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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