He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
