I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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