Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
