my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
