My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
